Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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