Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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