We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
