that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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