Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Randomize
