Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
