I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
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