I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Randomize
