Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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