I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
