Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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