Can Purell be used as lube?
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
