Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
