I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
