I accidentally had phone sex last night
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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