dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
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