If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
