From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I want a musical about memes.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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