he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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