the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
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