Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
