just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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