doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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