my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
