The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Randomize
