I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
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