Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
