I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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