You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
