I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize