I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Randomize
