May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
