Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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