I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
