eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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