an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
