So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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