I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
