The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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