I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize