Someone shit on the floor
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
