Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Randomize
