Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
