What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Randomize
