a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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