i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
