I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
