and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
