You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
