like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
