I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
