his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
