I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
I did not marry a roomba.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
