Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
