I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
