i just sent this text using only my big toe
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
