I want to make a zoo with you.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
i wish my penis had a tongue
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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