Please, let me fuck your mom
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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