how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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