I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
