I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
