You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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