bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
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